EPISODE 3 - Los Angeles

Of all the things that LA has to offer - Disneyland, Universal Studios, TV Studios, Hollywood Boulevard, and charming whackos that seemingly blend comfortably into the city scenery, the best part of my time in LA was the 15 minutes I spent walking across the campus grounds of UCLA. The grounds were green, fresh and sprawling and the atmosphere was electric. This contrasts strongly with the homage to cement that is my current university, with its depression-inducing architecture that can't decide whether it's trying to be gothic or cubist, and my former law school in Sydney that was smack-bang in the middle of the city that was more akin to a morgue than it was to a tertiary institution designed to foster academic advancement. The underground classrooms were affectionately known by one and all as "The Dungeons".

That aside, the hotel we stayed at was nice... or at least I think it was. I couldn't see much of it because it was just so damn dark. Brown curtains were hung over the walls, and the whole hotel lighting system seemed as though it were powered solely by a guinea pig running on a wheel. For the price we were paying, I would have expected the place to be lit up like the Olympic stadium on football grand final night. Apparently, Marilyn Monroe lived there for several months, and somebody quipped that perhaps that's why she overdosed... she couldn't see what pills she was taking.

Universal Studios was great - if for no other reason we decided to splurge and purchase the "front of the line" passes for the day. Probably one of the better decisions that I've ever made in my life, because there is nothing more satisfying than going on a popular ride twice in a row without having to wait, and jumping to the head of the line and walking past the same group of people you saw waiting the first time you went through. It was all I could do not to let out an evil, self-satisfied chortle... needless to say, I figure that I've developed a superiority complex here in LA.

Disneyland, on the other hand, was a completely different story. The`'happiest land on earth' was host to nearly 500 billion happy people on the day we decided to go, all of whom were happily waiting in hour long lines. After Universal Studios, its 'front of the line pass' and my newfound superiority complex, it came as a massive shock to my ego that I would have to wait in line like an average pleb. What's more, the design, layout and attractions were almost exactly the same as that of Tokyo Disneyland, which I been to 5 times already.

-----------DISNEYLAND - THAT DAMN SWORD WAS BOLTED INTO THAT DAMN STONE---------

We also went to go and see the taping of the TV sitcom, "Rules of Engagement", with David Spade, Megyn Price (I used to watch her other show, "Grounded for Life") and Patrick Warburton (Family Guy). What is normally meant to be only a few hours of taping dragged into midnight for a very unfunny 5 hours. Some of the scenes were pretty funny, but I was laughing mostly at the ridiculous amount of laughter coming from the rest of the audience and the crew themselves. I spent most of my time either watching the crew who were staring at the audience, or trying to make polite conversation with the grandmother sitting next to me who was absolutely disgusted at me for not being equally infatuated with Australian singer, Keith Urban or being able to recite the name or lyrics of any of his songs...

-------TIGER WOODS JUST AFTER HE SMACKED A GOLF BALL INTO SOME LADY'S HEAD-------

EPISODE 2 - San Francisco

If the travel Gods were smiling down on me in my trip to America, they were downright pissed off at me in San Francisco... or maybe they were just furious at Alice, my traveling partner, and I was just in the line of fire - because what was supposed to be a simple 1 hour stroll across the Golden Gate Bridge turned into a bush-bashing, death-defying 5 hour extreme sporting event. I blame Alice, who in turn, blame her imaginary friend who apparently recommended that we should take this particular 'stroll'.

The plan was simple enough - we were supposed to catch the ferry to Sausalito and then walk back across the Golden Gate Bridge... 1 hour tops, she estimated. Our ever brilliant plans, however, did not bother to factor in the convoluted web of freeways, highways and other assorted winding roads that were never designed for pedestrians... Well! We showed them! What's more, we did it the Australian way - so not only did we walk ON the road THROUGH tunnels, but we did it on the 'wrong' side of the road... so, essentially, we were playing a game of chicken with the oncoming road trains and trucks. A jolly two hours later, as we were crawling our way across a bridge infamous for its number of suicides (not surprising, given the length of the bridge... people probably just give up half way), Alice pointed to a building off yonder, proclaiming it to be right near our hotel.

"Are you sure?" asks I, dehydrated and delirious.
"Yep! I'm great with directions!" she responded chirpily, "It's not that far away!"

2 hours laters, as we were nearing the building, we decided that enough was enough, and rather than walking up and down hilly San Fran, we'd catch a taxi back to the hotel.... but then, every man and his dog were out in the park that day, and and they all seemed to have cottoned onto the same plan, so we ended up walking all the way back.

As we were heading back, we looked at the map, thinking about our plans for that night to go to the Castro section - Alice proclaimed, yet again, that it didn't look "that far away!". I hit her over the back of the head with the map.

--------------------Hour 3 of my great adventure-------------------

EPISODE 1

Of course I would end up waiting until half-way through the trip before bothering to write a blog post... two weeks is just enough time for me to forget most of what happened in the beginning... but I'll give it the good ol' college try and recap what I've done thus far.

It makes perfect sense that I would go out drinking at a bar until past midnight the day before I leave for overseas... without having bothered packing. Then, having mistimed the time I would need to depart for the train to arrive at the airport at time, I ended up having only 30 minutes to pack, get showered and dressed and tear-arse down to the train station... Obviously, I made it, but it's possible that I coat-hangered a little old lady as I was turning the corner. Not sure. It was all a blur.

The plane trip itself was pretty uneventful, but I got myself into a right cynical mood when, after waiting 30 minutes for a late plane to take off, I asked the Customer Services guy when he thinks the plane would take off, and he responded with "After everyone has boarded, sir." Useless, mindless SOB. The flight attendants were equally useless, when, just prior to descent, I asked one of them if I could use the restroom, she responded with "If I were you, I'd wait until after we landed." Just as I was trying to get my mind about the metaphysics of her being me and still needing to go to the restroom, she followed up with a right hook and said "You'll have plenty of time then!!", as though she were being graciously generous and that it was supposed to be some bloody consolation for a bursting bladder... and exactly how much time did she think I bloody needed?!? Luckily, though, I made it San Francisco jet-lagged without any major incident.