Completion Ceremony

I am now 'complete'. Yes, months and months of mind-numbingly useless Japanese language classes came to an end yesterday when some non-descript, self-important little man, that I've never met, felt it especially important that he be the one to bestow upon me an equally non-descript piece of paper that does no more than evidence that my name is what I attest it to be, his name is what he attests it to be, and that we both agree that enough is enough and 'give-me-my-damn -completion-certificate -thank-you-very-much'.

My foray into educational mediocrity began not long ago in April, though it seems like the better part of my life has since been sacrificed in the quest for this bloody completion certificate. It began badly, tapered off into a quagmire of insignificance towards the middle, and came to an unsurprisingly anti-climactic end with a 'completion ceremony' that shall go down in the history books as the most needlessly sentimental, narcissistic gathering of illustrious paper-pushers, disturbingly-enthusiastic language students... and me.

The man who interviewed me at the start to determine which level class I should take, my good 'friend', opened the parade of pomposity with a stirring speech...

[Guy] Ladies and Gentlemen. Do you know long this University has been operating this language program?
[Cynical me] I couldn't begin to care...

[Guy - eyebrows raised, eyes wide] Twenty years!
[Cynical me] Good God, you're kidding me!

[Guy] Were you aware of this?
[Cynical me] Better yet - are the authorities aware of this? How can you be allowed to continue to operate this monumental waste of taxpayers....

[Guy] Are you surprised?
[Cynical me] Surprised. Astonished. Distgusted. Appalled. Flabbergasted. Stupefied.

[Guy] And do you know how many students have walked these halls?
[Cynical me] Oh, oh, wait! Let me guess! Let me guess! 134?

[Guy] 1792!
[Cynical me] Dammit! So close!

[Guy] You all had fun studying, didn't you?
[Audience laughs]
[Cynical me] That isn't funny!

[Guy] Though the writing system is quite confusing.
[Audience laughs again]
[Cynical me] That still isn't funny!

[Guy] And the grammar is very difficult!
[Audience laughs, collectively nodding their heads]
[Cynical me] Yours isn't!

[Guy rambles on a bit more, and then] I want you to remember that here in these classrooms, we teachers have planted seeds...
[Cynical me] This is getting kinda twisted...

[Guy] And you must each continue studying Japanese, and in doing so, turn this seed in to a flower...
[Guy looks like he is about to cry]
[Cynical me feels like I'm about to vomit]

Thankfully, at the end of this banal drivel, they served beer... if only they'd have served it before the ceremony it might have made it more bearable. If only they'd have served beer before the ceremony, I could have got suitably trashed, and slept through the insufferable speeches made by the illustrious paper-pushers (who none of us have ever met), the speeches by the over-enthusiastic representatives of classes from each level who felt it necessary to give 'shout-outs' to their buddies in the classes, and finally, joy of joys, the handing out of certificates. With 72 students this semester to get through, and my surname beginning with 'W', my day was destined to be a sad and sorry one...

At the end of it, I thought that maybe I was being unfairly cynical about the whole thing, but I ran into a staff member from the university (who I later found out was a pretty important guy), who I had a great time talking to and getting pissed with, and who commented on how good my Japanese is. I told him that I spent a year in high school here when I was younger. He laughed and said that he suspected as much - "No one who goes through this language program", he said, "ever gets to the point of speaking Japanese very well..."

I then felt justified in my cynicism...