Hayfever and Alcohol...
always a fun combination...

Although I missed out on Hanami (flower gazing), I was fortunate enough to get back to Japan in time to get assaulted with hayfever. Just after getting over the jet-lag, I was sprawled out on my bed for a week with all the joy of the nasal-numbing, eyeball-engorging, migraine-inducing thrills that accompanies hayfever. I now inhabit my pollen-free room, and I refuse to leave until Spring has gone.

I was looking through my photos of Guatemala, and this one reminded me of something. This was the table I studied at with my teacher at the language school.

-------------- I'd like a pina colada with my verb conjugations please----------

My seat was the one on the right. Yes, the one that either through the curvature of the earth, or varying leg heights, is tilting over backwards and seems to be held together by a joint effort of rusty nails and its own sheer force of will not to be turned into fire wood. It was on this seat that I took my afternoon lessons - most notably the one that involved my teacher telling me the verbs for "stand up" and "sit down" in Spanish. But with his level of English hovering just above "utterly non-existent", it was up to me to try and comprehend his machine gun-speed Spanish describing the respective motions of standing up and sitting down in confused, metaphysical terms.

Having cottoned onto what he was getting at, I decided I'd check to make sure I understood the words, and proceeded to demonstrate with body language. I stand up, repeat the word, he nods his head enthusiastically, and then I go to sit down... and I suddenly find myself on my arse, on the ground, staring up at his pudgy, laughing face staring down at me. When I stood up, the aforementioned curvature of the earth, devilishly-designed chair legs, gravity and force of the cosmos colluded and toppled the chair over, thus allowing me to fall on my arse and look spectacularly stupid in the process. I've since forgotten the words for "stand up" and "sit down", and frankly, I don't care.

With this one, at the Mayan pyramids in Tikal, I was going to do the whole Rocky "run-up-to- the-top-of- the-stairs-and- wave-my-arms-in- the-air-like- I-just-don't-care" bit, but I got bored halfway up, and decided to sit down.

LA

On my way back to Japan, I had to spend one night in LA, so I organised to meet a friend of mine to crash at his place for the night. I manage to catch a shuttle bus from LAX into the city, and I tell the guy that I want to go to the corner of X & Y streets. So he drives, and drives, and drives some more, and then turns to me and says "Tell me when we get close."

What the hell?!? Why doesn't he know where it is? I toyed with the idea of saying "You're getting warmer... warmer... ooh! now you're freezing!!" and see how he reacts.

So I get off at the next corner. I could think of at least half a dozen things better than walking around for an hour (waiting for my friend to come and pick me up) with what was starting to feel like 500 kgs on my back, so I got to the corner cafe and ordered a latte. A seemingly simple task, but the lady behind the counter asks me,

[her] "kannerte kjernoij fosiu?"
[me] "What what?"

Not only did I not understand the question, I really didn't understand it, so I reckoned that it warranted saying 'what' twice in quick succession.

[her] "Corn, wheat, soy or no-fat?"

I'm thinking "I ordered a latte, didn't I? Not a damn breakfast cereal... oh, hang on.... this must be milk... quick, say something before she thinks you're an idiot."

[me] "No-wheat.... I mean, no-fat."

Dammit. She smiles at me like I'm an idiot. Smooth, Kallun. Well done.

[her] "prats kyuller menem?"

What what?? I'm on the verge on a break-down now. I've been travelling for 10 bloody hours since before the crack of bloody dawn... I'm tired with what is now the mother of all bloody migraines... and while I'm at it, why the hell do they have to drive on the wrong bloody side of the road... and why don't they just include the tip in the actual cost of the product/service, and stop forcing me to do the mental gymnastics necessary to calculate the tip... and why is this girl still grinning at me... I don't care if you put untreated bloody uranium in it, just give me my damn coffee!

[her] "Your name please."
[me] "Oh. Kallun."

I'm fingering my passport in my pocket, wondering whether America being at national security level yellow requires me to verify my identity in order to buy a coffee... apparently not.

Some random photos I took in Guatemala...

--------------------- Grafitti..... Guatemalan style ---------------------

--------------------- Tikal - Mayan Pyramids ---------------------

--------------------- Panajachel ---------------------