A quick post

I've got about 523 things that I need to do today, but I just thought I'd introduce the Store Wars movie - I found it hilarious, full of quotable quotes. You should definately check it out...

Hello, my name is Alan!

What the hell was my mother thinking when she came up with my name? I often wonder about this. She tells me that it's unique - and that she wanted me to have a unique name. She says that she took the Scottish name "Callum" and changed the spelling slightly to "Kallun". Which is great and thoughtful and all, but nobody pronounces it correctly. Even I have had my doubts. I remember calling her one night when I was out with some friends and I was off-my-face drunk, and I was asking her whether we had been mispronouncing my name the entire time - its spelt with a "u", and yet we've always pronounced it like it was an "a"... So when I tell somebody my name for the first time, 30-40 seconds of confusion always follows. Introducing myself to a girl in a noisy club is always an experience -

[Random girl] "What's your name?"
[Me] "Kallun"
[Random girl] "What?"
[Me] "Kallun!"
[Random girl] "What"
[Me] "KALLUN!!" (very noisy background music)
[Random girl] "JACOB?"
[Me] "WHAT?!? NO!"
[Random girl] "KEN?"
[Me] "NO! KALLUN!"
[Random girl] "OHHH! ALAN!!"
[Me] "YEAH! THAT'S IT!"

Oh well. Close enough. Clearly my mother didn't have the foresight to give me an easy-to-pronounce name for 'pick-up' purposes. And nobody spells it correctly. The spelling isn't obvious, so mostly, I don't blame them. Mostly... When it's a certificate from a school or university or so on, and they spell my name wrong, I get annoyed. Don't even get me started on my surname. I'm damn tempted sometimes just to change my name to 'Bob'... just 'Bob'. My life would be so much easier. My reason for writing about my name is because I found a site that explains the personality of people with certain names - mine, correct spelling and all, was listed there. It says:

Although the name Kallun creates the urge to be both logical and technical, we emphasize that it causes an unscrupulous, materialistic approach that frustrates higher humanitarian qualities. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the elimination system and reproductive organs.

The name of Kallun gives you a practical, shrewd nature with interests in business and the world of finance. You judge most things by their material value and you are usually pre-occupied with seeking your own financial independence. You desire to be in a position of leadership, for you can see where all the details fit into the overall situation and you have analytical and organizational ability.

What the hell does it mean when it says that my name "causes an unscrupulous, materialistic approach that frustrates higher humanitarian qualities"? And "cause weaknesses in the elimination system and reproductive organs"??? More importantly, was my mother aware of this legacy she was giving me when she named me thus? Thanks alot, Mum! I'm definately changing my name to 'Bob'.

Out of curiosity, does anyone know of anyone called Kallun (same spelling)?

How to take Japanese Bath

onsen
Originally uploaded by Kallun's photo collection.

Chances are that you will have heard of hot springs, they exist in many countries - but Japan has built up an indestructable culture around them, and rare is the gaijin (foreigner) who can live in Japan and not ever visit an onsen (hot springs).

Putting it crudely, an onsen in Japan is a public bath - where alot of people go for the apparent curing qualities of the water (they contain minerals that are believed to be beneficial to ones health). The more cynical of you out there will think its just an opportunity for the Japanese to get their kit off and frolic naked in pools of water.

But being a gaijin and visiting an onsen is always a 'fun' experience. One reason being that being usually one of the only white people in the place, all eyes will be direct at you... more specifically, the penis. How big is it? Circumference? Colour? Circumcised? Does it wobble when the gaijin walks? Yes, all eyes will be on you and your best friend as you enter an onsen...

I've been twice in the past month - the first time of these two times was when I went back to Yamanashi-ken to see my host parents for Golden Week. In fact, the photo of Mt Fuji in that post was taken right infront of one onsen, but I cropped the photo because I though it would look nicer. Here is the original...

As you can see on the bottom left-hand side, there is a fence. On the other side of this fence, I soon learn after taking this photo, is my new 'friend' that I affectionately call 'callisthenics man'... There I was, in the onsen, I've had my obligatory shower to get clean, I open the door to go to the outside onsen where you can get a great view of Mt Fuji while your butt-naked (which you can do anywhere, really, but they tend to frown on it, and you might get a few stern lectures from the police) and I walk outside only to have my first encounter with Callisthenics man. It's not unusual to see Japanese men doing exercises at random times throughout the day, and at random places, but this is the first time I've ever seen it done in an onsen, and definately the first time it involved a naked 50 something year old guy bending over the edge of the onsen, facing Mt Fuji - arse squarely pointed in my direction doing his back stretches (or whatever it was). I may well have expected a picturesque view of Mt Fuji, but instead, not only do I get a 'brown eye' from a guy whose scrotum seemed to hang down to his knee caps, but it was a 'spread-eagle brown eye'! The guy looked like he was bracing for an enema...

The second time I went was when I had my trip to Gunma-ken. The people who organised the trip felt it was necessary to tell us how to bathe Japanese style, and proceeded to hand out a easy-to-understand one page document with pictures titled "How to take Japanese bath" (thus the dodgy-English title for this post). Of course, me being me, I feel obliged to educate the world on the art of bathing in Japan... below is a reproduction of the important text (with photos).

In Japan, people take bath with a lot of people.
It is considered taking a bath with others is one of the best ways of communication.
You can enjoy chatting with your friends in a bath.
What you have to pay attention is not to make dirty hot water in tab.
You must not put towel and soap into a bath. You should wash yourself before taking bath.
Reference to these pictures then please enjoy yourself taking a bath.

I'm not sure which is more disturbing - that 'people in Japan take a bath with a lot of people' (sounds like a setup for a really hygenic orgy), that 'you have to pay attention not to make dirty hot water' or that you should 'reference to these pictures then please enjoy yourself...' (I was told when I was younger that if I 'referenced pictures' and then 'enjoyed myself', then I'd go blind... now I'm getting express permission - what a great country!).

-------[left] Take your all clothes off before taking a bath-----

----[right] Do not leave the water running while washing yourself----

------------[left] Do not put a towel into bath----------

------------[right] Do not wash your cloths at the bath space----------

-------Wipe yourself before going to dressing room------

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I, however, notwithstanding the express prohibition, could not resist do a few loads of washing. So at night, when everyone had gone to sleep, I took down a washboard, some soap and a bundle of clothes and just went to town...

Getting to know you...

I never do these things, but I've been too sick to write anything new, so I'm following the footsteps of Nam, Loz, Diadima, AmerAzn and True Jersey Girl.

Three names I go by:
1. Kallun
2. KJ
3. Umeo (Japanese - means Plum Guy)

Three things that scare me:
1. The Family First Party
2. That I'll sleep in and miss an exam
3. The thought that I might not pass the entrance exam in September

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Porno magazines Study books;
2. Porno magazines Mp3 player;
3. Porno magazines umm.... Internet - to look for porno check my email

Three of my fave bands or musical artists:
1. Lifehouse
2. The Calling
3. Hirai Ken (Japanese fella)

Three of my fave songs:
1. "You and Me" - Lifehouse
2. "Uptight" - Stevie Wonder
3. "Stigmatized" - The Calling

Three new things I want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Horseback riding across Mongolia
2. Snowboarding in Hokkaido
3. Learn Japanese sign-language

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. A Whip;
2. Rope; and
3. A pre-determined 'safety word'

Two truths and a lie:
1. I cannot tolerate Seinfeld
2. I once got into an argument with a guy from the Chip'n'Dale's
3. I have a birthmark on my left knee that looks exactly like the map of Australia

Three places I want to go on vacation:
1. USA
2. Antarctica
3. South America

Three things I just can't do:
1. Understand the lottery system
2. Gamble at horse races
3. Cook

Three kids' names: (hypothetically speaking)
1. Generic Child #1 (Doesn't matter what his/her name is, I've already sold the soul of my firstborn)
2. Kallun, Jr. 'Just-be-grateful-you-weren't-the-first-born' Willock
3. Jennifer 'Let's-not-screw-this-kid-up-too' Willock

Three celeb crushes:
1. Summer (from the OC)
2. Sarah Michelle Gellar
3. Jennifer Garner

Mission Accomplished

I've decided that every month, I'm going to set a goal to accomplish. For the month of May, the goal, as set by a friend of mine, was to have a photo taken with a celebrity in Japan (with both of us smiling). Mission accomplished... The photo here is with Lisa - she was on the radio back where I used to live as an exchange student many many years ago. She's still living here, though she isn't on the radio anymore, and I think it might stretch the definition of celebrity. But anyway - here it is. I've accomplished my goal for May. Now all I need is one for June - any ideas?

Now Let's Happy Journey!

I couldn't have said it better myself. Seeing as the whole adventure was such a stereotypical Japanese event, it makes sense that it started out with Japanese English from a teacher who apparently speaks great English. I've just come back from a short trip to Gunma, and here are some of my notes from the experience.

[Rule 1] - of travelling Japanese-style is that there must be a schedule. Unless you can accurately predict where you will be at 3:14pm on any given day during the 'holiday' period, its not a trip - it's chaos.

[Rule 2] -the destination must be far away from your departure point. Simply put, if you can get there by bus within 4 hour hours, it's not a holiday. No. You have to cram into a bus for as long as humanly possible. It's character building. And following rule 1, this also means that you have to leave as early as possible... otherwise you can't fit in as many pointless activities as possible, like...

[Rule 3] - any holiday schedule must include shopping. What's that I hear you say? You'd like to go and spend 20 minutes at that waterfall we just passed? No, I'm sorry. It's simply not possible. It's not on the schedule... we have to go shopping. I'm sorry, I couldn't quite hear you... you asked what that building was that we just passed? Is it historical? That's very observant of you... why yes, it's been there for since before the meiji period and it's where one of the feudal lords resided... no, we can't go there - there is this really quaint store that sells charming shirts that you might be interested in... I'm sure you'll enjoy that more...

But thats not to say that I didn't see some good places.

-----------------Onioshidashien------------------

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But it should be noted that this is in fact on a volcano... an active volcano - Mt. Asama. How do I know this? One couldn't escape the assortment of strategically placed refuge centres.

The sign on the side of this says "Refuge"... the far wall is facing the mouth of the volcano, and I guess it serves a double purpose - (1) to stop the ash from falling on you; and (2) they've attached a bench on either wall so that if the raging flood of lava comes rushing down, well, you'll just be all cosy on your bench waiting for the catastrophe to pass. I guess it's comforting to know that at least they put some thought into these things.

Me? I'll run screaming down the mountain... Jack & Jill? Tumbling down the hill? With a river of lava coming after me, I'll overtake those two runts, and they can both try holding it off with their pail of water for all I care...

Another place on the itenary was another volcano - or at least I think it was. It has a name that I can't recall, and a story that I should remember, but I just don't seem to be able to. Off the top of my head, I think its just a really large hot spring - or onsen in Japanese. I believe this to be the case because of the unholy stench of sulfur. It was coma-inducing... so much so that our tour guide, the one with the schedule from which all hell would be unleashed if we deviated from it, informed us that the strength of the smell could kill small children, but seeing as we're adults, it shouldn't be a problem. What a relief! I can't tell you how elated I was... but poor little Johnny sitting in row 13 of the bus was looking a little upset... No, no, I lie. There was no little Johnny, but some of the Chinese girls in the group could have passed for a small child. I was hoping to see some of them develop symptoms, but no such luck.

Of course, having been stuck on a bus for the better part of a 18 hour day and not being able to subtlely 'expel' and 'pent-up gases', the advantage of going to a volcano with an unholy stench emanating from it is that you can really let one rip, and provided nobody hears you - you're home free. So you can guess why it is that I'm smiling when this photo was taken.

-------The hot spring in the mouth of the volcano--------

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Koarapper!

I'm going on a trip tomorrow for a few days, so I thought I'd just post something now as I won't be able to for a while. There is a new tv ad series in Japan for what I think is a insurance company (haven't bothered to take too much notice), but the best thing is that they've started using Koalas!! That was enough to make me wanna buy a lifetime-subscription to whatever it is they're selling.

The funky fella just above is koarapper - he's a happening Koala. Some interesting information that you may want to know about him is that some of his special tricks include rapping in Japanese, and being able to use a mobile phone with one hand!! His little sidekicks are Goro, Sentaro and Raitaro (left to right).

Some interesting characteristics that you may wish to know about each - (translation from website)

Goro - a gentle koala, but he's not that good a dancer. If you watch the tv ad carefully, you'll notice that his tempo is off by one beat...

Sentaro - the steadfast leader of the trio.

Raitaro - his dancing and singing in the chorus is flawless... his position is on the right, but is he secretly hoping to be the middle guy???

The most exciting part about the ad is that it shows that those big koala noses are in fact mobile phones!!! If only I'd have known, I wouldn't have bothered trying to smuggle my mobile phone into Wonderland every day... but what I wanna know is, how do they recharge their phones? Eucalyptus juice?

As you can clearly see, I'm easily amused...

"Before passing gas I look behind me.
But I don't bother when I'm smoking."

I've developed an obsession for Japanese cigarette advertisements - specifically the new Japan Tobacco "manner" advertisements. Not to be confused with the standard "Smoking will kill you... and all your loved ones... and everyone you've ever met or felt a degree of fondness for... and here is a picture of your lungs to prove how bad it is" anti-smoking campaign back in Australia, this one is developed by the evil manufacturers themselves (and trust me, they are evil). They're focused on teaching people how to smoke in public - the proper etiquette on killing everyone with passive smoking, if you will. But they're just so damn good that it almost makes me want to take up smoking... almost...

I've arranged it into a slideshow, but the settings are a bit fast, so if you scroll your mouse pointer over the top right hand side of the presentation, just whack the speed up to 10 seconds, and that'll give you more time to appreciate the both the art, and the message. Here are some samples, click on either of them to start the slideshow...

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43 Things

"What do you want to do with the rest of your life?" asks the website, so I write in the little text box "Drive across the USA", and BAM! up comes a group of people who also want to do the same thing. "43 Things" is a great website also for trying to figure out what sort of things you might want to do if you're stuck for inspiration. Click here to check it out. Something else I've been wanting to do for a while now is kayak around Antarctica...

Good news! I'm alive!

Well the good news is that I'm alive - the bad news is that the x-ray machine that University Health Centre used to arrive at this conclusion looked like a relic that was smuggled out of Chernobyl, and with all the radiation I think I've been exposed to from it, I may not last much longer...

So I had my annual health checkup (see generally Supersize Me). I think I'm ok - apparently they'll only tell me the results of the tests if there is something wrong. Here is the schedule for the tests:

----If you fail the blood test, it's into the second floor hole with you!!----

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You probably can't read it, but it says that step 6 involves a blood test, and then part two of step 6 (to its right) it says "The second floor hole"... So I guesss that if you fail the blood test, that's where they put you - I, with my wit, dexterity and fantasticly capable blood, passed the blood test, and I then got ushered into the "Mental Health Room" (Step 7). Interestingly, only the gaijin (foreigners) had to do the psychiatric testing - either we're considered especially mentally unstable (not altogether untrue), or they're just too scared to test the Japanese students in case they find out how crazy they really are.

I knew I'd have fun in the mental health checkup, though, and I wasn't disappointed. It started with a lady coming up and asking me to select which language I would like to do the survey in - English, Chinese or Korean... I looked at her... she looked at me... I kept looking at her... she asked me again... I said "English" with the straightest face I could, and she went back to her corner to sit on her chair. I was so tempted to say "Chinese".

Incidentally, the first time I lived here, my host mum came up to me and asked "Kallun, are you sure you're an Australian?", to which I replied "Yes. I'm certain of it." Unconvinced, she shook her head and said, "Because you look like an American..." Huh??? What do you say to something like that?

So I sit down to fill in this bloody survey. Here are some of the questions -being as boring as I am, I just ticked "no" to all the questions.

--------------------------

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[#1] Do you hear voices that no one else can hear? Yes, when I have my headphones on and I'm listening to my mp3 player...

[#2] Do you get nervous or scared when people watch you write? The beauty of this question is that the lady sitting in the corner of the room is watching you fill the survey in... I took a brief moment to chuckle at the intrinsic comedic value of the situation... she probably thinks I've lost it, though... she's probably right.

[#3] Have you been sleeping very well lately? Well, I haven't been sleeping very well recently, but that's only been over the past week, and the night before I was fine, but I ticked "no" just for the hell of it. That was a mistake! "Why? When? How? Who? Where?" - the bloody questions didn't stop. I told him that I have alot of sefure (lit. sex friends) and they keep me "busy", if ya know what I mean (wink, wink). He had a good chuckle, and I'm not sure if his laugh was a "You-are-such-a-bullshit-artist" kinda laugh, or a "Yes-I-know-all-too-well" kinda laugh. But he then looked at me sternly and repeated the original line of interogation, so I'm guessing it was the former laugh. I had to put an end to it by telling him that I slept next to a train line, and he seemed to buy it... Well I don't actually sleep next to the train line, per se, but my room is next to it - I don't know what he thought I meant, though.

Thankfully, I made it out of the room without a straight-jacket... it was touch-and-go, though.

Get Perpendicular

I was reading '3yen Gadgets' today, and apparently Hitachi have had a breakthrough in hard disk technology - and they made a Flash presentation and song about it. This is the kind of ingenuity that I like to see from the corporate sector... click here for the animation.

Generic Post#1

I have too much to write down, and no time to write it, so for today, I think I'll just post some (interesting) photos that a friend and I have taken on our trips around Japan. Let me just say, though, that the idea for this post is loosley based on (translation - "a complete and utter ripoff of") Nam's idea... just thought I'd clear that up... And now let the plagiarism begin...

------[top] Damn Hippies! (found on a slipper)----

---[bottom] Place of Intelligence Service (billboard for a pachinko/poker machine parlor)---

---[left] Now I've found a way to conveniently store my dogs!!----

--------[right] It says "Do not park your bicycle here!"-------

--------Don't you DARE mistake!-------

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One of the funniest things I've ever read...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. You may need to be an Australian to appreciate it fully, though. Here is a snippet from the intoduction...

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic...

For the full story, click here.

Anyone for a slice of whale?

Some people will know that I'm interested in whaling, and I produced an essay on the the cultural relevance of whaling in modern Japan. Few people will know about my life-and-death struggle with my arch-nemesis, Macquarie University - over my marks for that essay, but that's besides the point. When I was researching the topic at the Whaling Library in Tokyo, I stumbled across a cartoon in a Japanese Whaling newsletter (below). I incorporated it into my essay, with a translation, and I've put it on the blog for public viewing. I think the most interesting is the fact that it is about an Australian... talking in Japanese... to a sheep... which also speaks Japanese... about whaling... And this fine work of art was produced by the pro-whaling lobby. Or at least I assume so, seeing as the newsletter is called "Harpoon"...

[Panel 1]
Australian: It is not necessary to eat whale meat.
Sheep: That’s great news. So then it isn’t necessary to eat sheep, either.
Australian: No, no, no. People will eat sheep instead of eating whale meat.

[Panel 2]
Australian: All whaling is barbaric and cruel.
Sheep: But what about indigenous whaling practices?
Australian: The culture of the indigenous people is of great concern to us Australians. Whilst it is true that this are savage and cruel, we permit and tolerate such barbarity.

[Panel 3]
Australian: Whales are special, so you mustn’t kill them. Whalers are barbarians.
Sheep: Wouldn’t you say that is a subjective opinion? Different societies have their own respective views with regard to whales. Do you think that it is perhaps better to think that all living creatures are unique in their own right?

[Panel 4]
Australian: But whales are special because I believe them to be special. That’s what makes whales special.
Sheep: A ha ha ha ha ha……

---Whale toys at the reception of the Whaling Library---

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Clothing optional

Ok, so I literally have nothing to wear. I'm down to one singlet and a hat... and as fashionably forward/backward/abstract/(insert preferred adjective here) as the Japanese are, I just don't know that this is the kind of ensemble that'll catch on - but I've always been a trend-setter, so I'll try it out today and let you all know how it goes. Why, I remember my 'a-koala-has- just-pissed-down-the right-hand-side of-my-shirt' look, and that scored me a few looks walking down the street (koalas have got some gawd-awful stinking urine). I've got a couple of garbage bags that I'm thinking I might fashion a little something out of that I'm sure'll get the girls attention... or I could just go with the toilet paper ensemble as shown below...

----[left] I have see-through garbage bags too for those extra-special occassions----

----[right] made entirely out of toilet paper----

I know that I should do the washing, but the guy who lives next to the laundromat in my dormitory is always giving me nasty looks whenever I carry a bunch of dirty clothes towards the washing machines... like the "how-about-I-take-a-jackhammer-to your-head-and-see-how-much-you-like-the-noise..." look, to which I respond with a "please-sir, my-clothes-smell-gawd-awful and-I-only-have-a-singlet-and-a-hat-left" look. Oh well...

Supersize me

I think that maybe it's about time I start eating real food - like milk, bread, vegetables, fruit... you know, stuff like that. I attribute this poor diet to a number of things - none of which are my fault, of course.

[#1] Nothing to cook with - it's just too damn difficult to cook something as complicated as eggs unless I'm fully decked out in all the lastest gear - like a full cutlery set, a set of steak knives, some teflon-coated pans, etc. Only recently have I inherited a cooking kit, but it's still piled up in the doorway, threatening to topple over onto me whenever I walk in. It's balancing there, a law-suit-in-waiting, because I've been too scared to go near it - you see, my rice cooker is evil.

[#2] I have an evil rice cooker - My rice cooker is possessed. And it's not just me who thinks so - a number of people have marvelled at it (from a distance). Why do I think this? 2 reasons. First - it's been sitting on a shelf for a few weeks, unplugged, collecting dust - BUT IT'S STILL ON!!! It works, operational and everything, no battery, and it is not plugged in. Secondly - I swear, it moved when I wasn't looking. At one point it was near the door, acting all innocent in that demon-possessed-rice-cooker kinda way, and then when I turned my back, the little bastard moved onto a box - a good metre closer to me... Admittedly, I had just completed a 5 hour drinking marathon during a nomihoudai special ("all you can drink"), but I know what I saw, and now I'm too scared to use it.

[#3] I have my doubts about the food - The closest food store (or only one I've managed to find), is the 99 Shop - where everything is 99 yen. Meat, fish, vegetables, canned pineapples, everthing. Something just feels wrong about eating meat that costs the same price as toilet paper...

[#4] I'm lazy - I think a better term for it is 'motivationally challenged'.

So I've had a bit of a binge since I've arrived in Japan - eating out at McDonalds has become an artform. Ordering isn't so difficult - unless you're a vegetarian, and then you encounter the curious Japanese notion of what actually constitutes meat... as my vegetarian friend discovered the other day.

[Vegetarian friend] Is there meat in the bagel?

[McDonalds staff] No. No meat.

[Vegetarian friend] But isn't that bacon in the picture?

[McDonalds staff] Yes it is...

But eating healthy is difficult when it's so cheap, and there is a McDonalds right near the dormitory (interestingly, it seems to have merged with a bank - why? I do not know). The other day I decided that trying to cook something complicated like eggs was just far too confusing without a full cutlery set, a set of steak knives, some teflon-coated pans, etc., so I went to McDonalds where I was greeted by a blonde blue-eyed girl behind the counter. Never in Japan have I been served by a gaijin (foreigner) - so I was taken aback. Most gaijin usually try and pass themselves off as experienced language teachers, and rip the Japanese off for five times what this girl was making at McDonalds.

She was just a trainee, she got flustered and messed up her Japanese and spat out something completely unintelligible. The manager guy looked so angry, but said nothing. Then I made the mistake of making things worse by asking her what time the store closed (in Japanese), and when she didn't understand, that started a new kind of hell for the poor girl. I think she got fired as a result, because I haven't seen her back there, and it turns out that she is also a uni student and is living in my dorm. What a fantastically small world! One of the few cute girls in the dorm to which the 'no-sleep-over' rule does not apply, and I go and embarrass her and get her fired. I gather that it's my fault because I get death looks from her when I see her walking down the Gauntlet (see below).

What makes things even better is that on thursday, I have a health checkup - in Japan, there are health checks at the schools, universities, businesses, and yesterday, I had the supreme foresight to eat McDonalds not just for breakfast, but for lunch and dinner as well. I think eating bad food must do something to your memory, because I kept on forgetting that I had already eaten at McDonalds that day... So if on thursday the doctor tells me something other than "you have two weeks to live", I'm going to consider it jolly good news...

----------I'll be looking like this come thursday---------

The Gauntlet

---------It's deceptively pretty, but horribly awkward---------

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This is the Gauntlet. It's the most terrifying part of living in my dormitory. It's the only way in or out, and it's long and unforgiving. There are roughly 400 gaijin (foreigners) living in my dormitory, and being the sociable boy that I am, I'm sure that I must have met at least half of them when I was in one of my hopelessly inebriated states. So walking along the Gauntlet adds a special touch of awkwardness to my day when I meet someone I know I've met somewhere before, or they just start talking to me, but I just can't bloody remember their name. Mostly, the conversations I have when I encounter someone walking along it will involve me mumbling quickly - "Hi.... how are you?", and just pray that I don't have to introduce them to someone else. And either my mind is playing tricks on me, or there are 5 guys called Raphael living in this dorm - all of whom I appear to be on good speaking terms with (though I can't ever remember meeting them)... I've decided that I'm just going to call everyone Raphael...

Golden Week

In Japan, we have Golden Week, which is just a series of public holidays. I decided to go visit my host parents out in Yamanashi Prefecture and took these photos while I was there.

-----[left] Mt. Fuji with a halo (probably means that its about to go boom)-------

----[right] The markets at the Ayame Festival with Mt Fuji in the background (still no boom)------

A friend of mine suggested that we go to the Ayame Festival to see people shoot stuff. And not only did they shoot stuff, but they shot stuff while riding horses (see left, below). It was all exciting because there were a bunch of kids sitting right near the targets, and I was waiting eagerly for the guy to sneeze just as he let loose the arrow and skewer one of them, but unfortunately, the arrow had a protector thingy on the pointy bit, so no shishkabob kids...

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It's not unusual to see a bunch of Japanese middle-age guys taking photos of up-and-coming aidoru (models) - the one below is the PG-rated version of what the kind of photos they usually take.

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Finally, here are some photos from my host parents house. My host dad is a Buddhist Priest, and we have a whopping big-arse temple hanging off the side of it (see below, right). Just behind it is a graveyard (of sorts). It was always fun living there - in the middle of the night, there was a three-legged, blind cat that always used to cry like it was getting strangled, and the owls would hoot in the background, I look out the window and all these tombstones are staring back at me. It was like something out of a horror movie... Lots of fun, though.

Flesh-eating Koalas

No - they don't eat meat. They can take a few chunks out of your hand if they're cranky or you mishandle them, but they won't attack you. That's just one important snippet of information I felt necessary to dispense amongst the public. Being a certified koala handler, I've decided to write a post to dispel some of the myths about Koalas. Such as:-

#1: At night, Koalas come down from their trees and hunt rabbits and other small land-dwelling animals in packs like the raptors from Jurassic Park.

FALSE: Koalas can run on the ground, but not very quickly. Nor do they hunt in groups - or at all, for that matter. They eat leaves. That's about it. They have sharp claws, though, that when gripped around your finger, can and will go straight to the bone.

#2: Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It was dead.

This has not been conclusively proven. Much more research is needed.

#3: Why did the other koala fall out of the tree? It was hanging onto the first koala...

Possible, but unlikely. Koalas will only ever be hanging onto each other if they're a baby (joey) hanging onto the mum. Other than that, they're really not a touchy-feely bunch.

It has been a while since I've given talks on koalas, but the essential information that I want people to know are -

(a) Koalas are not bears - They're just not. Please stop calling them koala bears. The closest relative to the koala is the wombat.

(b) Telling the difference - The easiest way to tell the difference between a male and a female is that the female will be wearing lipstick, and her fur will be permed. That, or the male has a scent gland in the middle of his chest (in amongst the white fur) that he uses to rub up against the bark of trees and it is brown (from all the rubbing). So the males will have a brown patch, and the chicks won't.

(c) Koala's will sleep maybe 18 hours a day - and this is mostly duringthe day. Unless they were drinking Red Bull, in which case they'd sleep only 10 hours a day. So we often had tourists come up to us in the middle of the day bitching about how the koalas were sleeping. This pissed me off. Actually, without fail, the first thing that they would do is point at the koalas we had in the trees and say "They're not real. They're toy koalas". At which point I would jump across the counter and beat the crap out of them... or at least I wanted to. I heard that at least 100 times a day. The conversation would go:

Idiot: They're not real. They're toy koalas.

Me: No, they're real.

Idiot: You're lying to me.

Me: No, I'm really not. Koala's are nocturnal [actually, that's technically incorrect, there is a different term for it...] and so they sleep 18 hours a day - during the day.

Idiot: Yeah right...

Me: [shrug - don't really care if Idiot and her snotty little kids believe me]

Idiot: Well make it move then.

Me: We don't do that here - if you want a performance in animal cruelty, go to somewhere in Queensland.

Imbecile: Why would it be cruel?

Me: Because it's midday, and as I just explained, this is the period during which the koala sleeps. It would be the equivalent of you waking up your children at 2 in the morning at 15 minute intervals to prove to someone that they're really real.

[Koala moves by flicking its ears]

Idiot and snotty little kids: Oooohhhh! It's moving. It's real!

Me: Uh huh.

And so I would spend most of my day having conversations like that.

(d) Koalas have the coolest mating sound - it defies description. It might freak you out if you've never heard it before - you won't believe that a sound like that can come from such a cute critter. People out in the country who have colonies of koala's nearby don't like it, though, because it does get annoying after a while.

(e) Koala young are known as a 'joey' - much like the kangaroo.

(f) There are two types of koala - northern and southern. The southern ones are found in Victoria - they're butt-ugly. The northern ones are better - so go to either Queensland or NSW if you want to see them. Go to Queensland if you want to hold them, but not NSW, because you need to be certified to do so there.

Click on the picture below for a short slideshow of some of the pictures I took when I was a koala handler.

Revenge will be mine

This is one of the guards at my dormitory - he's sleeping. He does that alot. As does the other one. They do it when at night, when they're supposed to be working. Ideally, they're here to let people into the dormitory after the curfew. I was told by the staff that he'll be sleeping if I come back late, so all I have to do is bang on the window until he wakes up. Failing that, I have the phone number, and I have to call him. Failing that, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do - he seems like a heavy sleeper - but seeing as fireworks are legal here, and are sold over the counter at any Seven Eleven, I might try shooting some fireworks at the window and see how that works...

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That he's sleeping when he should be working wouldn't normally bother me - normally, I'd be cool with it. What bugs me is that he wakes up at the crack-of-bloody-dawn and makes the most inane bloody announcements over the PA system - thus waking me up. Like announcing at 9:00am on sunday mornings that the soccer team will be meeting in the foyer to go out and play a match soon... This isn't a one-off - it happens every sunday morning, and it's not an open invitation to the general public to join in... no... it's a reminder to those on the soccer team to turn up at the pre-designated time - the same time that they do every sunday. I will solve this problem. Come hell or high water, this is going to stop. I'm here for two years, and at some point, I'm going to get revenge on this man... fireworks may be involved.

The view from my room

The view from my room in Japan is amazing... Here is the lake that I go down to every morning to do a couple of laps, there are birds chirping in the background, while bambi is frolicking on lawn. The place is deserted, and I often feel like breaking out into song - "The hills are alive... with the sound of music..."

Actually, this is of Cataract Gorge in Tasmania near where my parents used to live. The view from my room where I live now is not so picturesque... it's right next to some very busy train lines. So much so, they've had to add two sets of windows to my room to block out the sound. Thankfully, the last train runs at around midnight, so then I can get some sleep. Yeah, I went and spoke to the train company, explained to them that it was kinda noisy and I'm a very irritable gaijin if I don't get my sleep, and they were more than happy to rearrange their entire train schedule to suit my sleep patterns. They were very obliging.

Sometimes, when I'm on the balcony, and I'm hanging up my washing (I don't use the dryer because it's an expensive joke - 100 yen and 30 minutes later my clothes are just are damp as they were when I put them in there, but now they're slightly warmer), I like to wave at the people on the passing trains. One time, the train stopped right infront of my room, waiting for another train to leave the station, and I started waving at the bored looking people. I got some odd looks from the passengers - sadly, no one waved back... I'm going to keep on doing it until somebody does.

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